I lost my son Randy August 13, 2011, he was 26 years old and
this metaphorical poem depicts my grief journey
Breaking Through
By Leslie
Chaney-Eames
Be merciful to me O
Lord, for I am in distress: my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body
with grief: My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning: my
strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak. Psalm 31:9-10
I found myself in a deep pit… so deep there was no light, no
sound and the air was thick and it stunk like death….I felt your presence there
Lord…but it seemed like You were so very far away….I felt a heavy load on my
back, like a bag of large stones…each one represented a feeling I was engulfed
with…sadness, pain, fear, anger, guilt & shame.
I stayed there for a while, crying, lamenting and wallowing
in these feelings of complete despair……
A man’s spirit
sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear? Proverbs 18:14
Then Lord you gently whispered in my ear its time to leave
this place and journey to the high places again. I fought, I wanted to stay, I wanted to
die……… but You gently nudged me to my feet…the weight of the stones pulling me
down again and again, but you were persistent…You wanted more for me…my journey
here was not yet complete……..I finally looked up and saw a great cliff, almost
straight up, leading up out of the darkness.
With You ever by my side Lord I took my first steps up the cliff of this
mountain….
My flesh and my heart
may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm73:26
The weight of the stones I carried caused me great pain,
again and again You reminded me that You would gladly carry these burdens for
me, but I was selfish and held on to it.
It seemed at least a year had passed as I made my way up this torturous
cliff, some days I would fall down a few feet and would have to re-step the
same ground, but with Your gentle persuasion and engulfing love for me I
continued always upward. Again You
reminded me you would take the stones from my back and carry them for me, I
refused over and over until one day, I said OK maybe just one. So I gave You my anger…..That
day the way seemed to level out a little…. not so vertical….
the road began to angle outward at a steep, but definite slope.
Cast your burden upon
the Lord and He will sustain you: He will never allow the righteous to be
shaken Psalm 55:22
I continued moving up the mountain ever upward the trail was
steep and rocky. The air was still thick
and there was some light but very dim like the moment just before dawn. As I moved along over the next four years, I
began to see other people You had placed in my life journeying with me,
supporting me, loving me along the way;
A friend loves at all
times, and a brother is born for adversity Proverbs 17:17
I began to feel You closer to my side and again You asked me
again to let You carry my burdens….reluctantly I gave You my fear, guilt and
shame. The road began to get smoother,
the air became a little sweeter, the sun broke out from behind the mist…..still
dim, but for the first time I could feel its warmth. I continued ever upward, Lord, You were
always there, always by my side, gentle, loving, and ever persuading me forward
on this path. I was determined to make
it up to the high places again where I could live with You again in complete
joy and peace….again You said “lay down your burdens, give them to me….you
cannot enter the high places carrying them on you back, you cannot take them
there with you. I thought about what He
said…I considered it, but it was hard, it was easier to carry them myself…I
carried them a little while longer….
Blessed in the man who
preserves under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the
crown of life that God promised to those who love Him James 1:2
I saw the high places in the distance, the sun began to
break out from behind the cloud, the air began to smell fresh and clean, the
road became grassy and soft with a gentle slope, the burdens on my back began
to feel like they did not belong there in this place……so very reluctantly and
slowly I laid the last ones down, first sadness, then pain, at Jesus’ feet they
lay. He smiled ever so sweetly, looked
at me with His gentle eyes…and whispered…. “you are free”.
If the Son therefore
shall set you free, you shall be free indeed John 8:36
Then I looked around me and I realized I was in the high
place with the Lord, the air was fresh, the colors were vibrant, the sound of angel’s
voices filled the air, We sat under a tree next to a stream of living water and
I lay very still in His arms feeling the warmth, the Love, the Peace, the Joy
again… I had made it through…I had broken through to the other side of grief……
He will wipe every
tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or morning or crying or pain,
for the old order of things has passed away. Revelation 21:4
I still miss my son, I still feel sad sometimes when I
realize he is not here on earth with me anymore, But Jesus carries all my
burdens now, and I know I will see my son again on the other side. And I am now ready to continue the work God
has for me here until He is ready to call me home.
I will instruct you in
the way you should go: I will counsel and watch over you. Psalm32:8
